DEAR WRITERS, PRODUCERS, MARKETING EXECUTIVES, AND LICENSING EXECUTIVES FOR BBC’S SHERLOCK:
Right now, we Americans have your two lead actors.
We promise that they are being treated humanely, being fed well and kept in comfortable conditions.
Here’s the thing, though. If you want them back in the UK, you need to meet the following demands:
1. America broadcasts Sherlock Series Three no later than one week after the uk premiere.
2. The dvd/blu-ray edition features very extensive interviews, behind-the-scenes, commentary, and a gag reel. Gag reel, people. This is important.
3. You pledge not to play off the emotional reunion of John and Sherlock by making it cutesy or off-camera or anything to do with a fucking ringtone.
4. The reunion must include something physical. A punch, a hug, a shove, whatever. We also demand some emotional dialogue. No ‘three months later’ bullshit.
5. John’s scar.
6. John actually being a doctor.
7. John in uniform.
8. Both men in formalwear.
At this moment, both Martin and Benedict are being fitted with undetectable homing devices.
Our spies will be observing your filming as well as copies of your scripts.
If it appears that our demands are being ignored, we will activate the homing devices and immediately bring these men back to the USA to be kept in
my bedroom an undisclosed location until you comply.
You have a matter of hours to consider.
Attention: This is a Joke. Dear God, PLEASE do not bombard me with hateful asks because it looks like I am threatening anyone or, God forbid, criticizing anybody’s writing or production.